You've been through extremely terrible things in your life, but you're not quite sure if therapy is the right move. This article will help you open your eyes to things you may not have considered as a product of trauma.
Some of these connections could be shocking and quite activating for you, so I encourage you to take breaks and lean on your supports if you need to.
At the end I'll give you some pointers on how to move forward from here.
1. You repeat cycles
Have you noticed that your life seems like a revolving door? You think, "Wasn't I just here?" "OMG, how did I get here again?" I know, I know, it freaking sucks. But it's no coincidence.
Our minds have a clever way of putting us right back in situations that make us feel just like we did when we experienced painful events. It's not to torture you, it's to help you finally face those experiences, so you can heal and grow from them, rather than run from them.
You can see these cycles show up in your romantic relationships
Ever wonder why you always end up with the same type of person, that screws you over, abuses you, doesn't appreciate you, or takes advantage of you?
You may see the red flags in the beginning, but you ignore them. It's not necessarily your fault, because trauma makes us struggle to trust our own instincts. It's also happening at the subconscious level.
You may not really think of the red flags as a big deal in the beginning. Maybe they just seem like yellow or orange flags. Then in hindsight, you think you're so stupid for not seeing the signs, further reinforcing all the reasons why you can't trust your own instincts.
The cycles show up at work
You always have a crap boss, coworkers that bully you or isolate you, or you repeatedly get betrayed. Once again, your subconscious mind finds a way to place you right back in the middle of micro-traumas.
These day-to-day painful events and hurtful people send you deeper into your anger or numbness. You can quit your job, or maybe you get fired, but somehow you end up in a similar dynamic at the next job. It's not a coincidence.
Your friends get rinsed and repeated or are non-existent
Where did all your friends go? Maybe you don't have time for friends, or could it be because you don't trust "friends?" There are different types of trust when it comes to friends:
Trust they will keep your secrets.
Trust they will be there for you when you need them.
Trust they won't betray you.
Trust they won't judge you.
You get the picture. Trauma makes it hard to trust people. Depending on what trauma you faced, it reshaped your ability to trust on some level. It makes sense because trusting someone means you have to be somewhat vulnerable. Vulnerability means your walls go down. Walls down means you can get hurt again.
This makes it hard to have and keep friends. Because people pick up on your closed-off vibes. Those vibes can make it seem like you're cold or hiding something.
Or you could find yourself on the other end, being overly emotional and finding yourself in drama. Either way, friendships get avoided or cut off.
2. Your relationship is suffering
The second sign that trauma therapy is calling your name, is if your relationship is on the brink of divorce or breakup due to extreme numbness or extreme reactivity.
Your relationship doesn't feel safe
You don't feel like you can openly express yourself out of fear of being hurt, rejected, criticized, or abandoned. It's also possible that you feel nothing or numb. Numbness or emptiness is a common response after trauma. Even if it happened years ago, you can still be stuck there subconsciously.
You struggle to understand and express how you feel inside
Your partner wants you to open up, but maybe you just don't know how. They want you to share how you're feeling, but you don't even know how you're feeling! So you keep it surface-level and hope the problems will just go away with time.
This lack of depth in your relationship will slowly corrode your bond, and cause your partner to eventually pull away. They will feel that the relationship is one-sided, even if you do many acts of service or financially and physically support them.
Your emotions are chained to their emotions
You can't be happy unless they are happy. You don't feel satisfied with yourself (self-image, achievements, financial status) unless you get a sense that they are pleased with you. If you pick up on a bad mood, you feel like it's your fault, or that you're responsible to fix it.
You have found yourself seeking control and a sense of safety through another person. You may believe that if you can keep them pleased with you, they will love you or find you valuable. That is going to send you on a wild ride, because people are inconsistent and unpredictable.
3. You self-sabotage
This term has been thrown around a lot lately. But what does it actually mean to sabotage yourself? Let's start with, it's not intentional. People don't start things just to get in their own way on purpose. Once again, this is a product of trauma.
You hurt them before they can hurt you
Being vulnerable is a super scary emotion! You can only hold onto vulnerability (a sense of safety) for so long before you start to question when the other shoe will drop. Imagine that our mind keeps a timed vulnerability threshold. When time increases, your trust level decreases.
Even if they haven't done anything for you not trust them, you will find a way to convince yourself that it's coming; the betrayal, the hurt, the trauma. So you strike before they do (cutting them off, cheating, picking a fight, criticizing).
You quit before you can fail (get hurt)
You have big dreams for yourself and know you deserve more, but when you start something new and vulnerable (I hope you're noticing a theme here), you freak out and jump back to "safe," familiar grounds.
This can look like going back to an old toxic relationship, returning to a job that you hated, or cancelling a blind date. Essentially, you convince yourself that you don't deserve better, you can't achieve greatness, or no matter what, you will be rejected.
Your insecurities get in the way
Insecurities can show up in any relationship - work, friends, romantic. The insecurities touched on above (undeserving, worthlessness, unlikeable/unlovable) feed rejection, failure and abandonment.
But how? The more insecure you are, the more you get in your own way.
If you are terrified of screwing up, you may overthink and overwork. This can cause burnout, overwhelm, increased stress, and increase the chances of making mistakes.
If you are scared that someone won't like you, you may get so filtered and inauthentic that people are turned off by you.
If you have a huge fear of being abandoned, you can get overly clingy that you appear controlling and smothering. This can cause someone to abruptly cut things off and leave you.
So what now?
I know. That was a lot. What do you even do with all of this information? If you found yourself resonating with many of these points, it may be a sign that it's time to get outside help.
That help can mean leaning more on loved ones for support, self-help books, becoming more socially engaged, regular exercise and a healthy diet, and/or seeking out a licensed trauma counselor or therapist.
I want to stress that these signs do not automatically mean that you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). But if you did, you can absolutely recover from it. No matter what you have been through, even if you don't remember it, you can heal from it. Don't give up.
I'm Malissa Egan, LCSW. I help individuals and couples in Florida heal from trauma, break their problematic cycles, and reconnect with their purpose and passions. If you're ready to experience connection, compassion, and deep healing, reach out. Let's do this!
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