The military and first responder communities often struggle in their intimate relationships. This is no surprise, because the people who volunteer their own lives to serve others don't view their careers as just a job. It's a calling, a duty.
They become immersed into a culture that requires absolute commitment. And often this commitment can pose a threat to intimate relationships.
Every relationship has its own unique struggles. Whether the struggles relate to finances, parenting, affairs, in-laws, work/life balance, addiction, trauma wounds, or something you can't quite put your finger on, there is one commonality...emotions.
Emotions call the shots in a relationship. And I'm not just talking about the angry ones. Tapping into emotions are the key to unlocking a happy, satisfying bond.
Right away you might think, "ugh, emotions. I don't do emotions." Especially if your job trained you to not have emotions. I get it. Emotions can get you or others killed!
The crappy thing is you need emotions for your relationship to work. So that's quite the dilemma.
Luckily, you do have emotions. You're probably just really good at stuffing them down or pushing them away. If you don't like emotions, it's likely because you were never taught how to work with them.
Emotions are how people communicate and survive. All emotions serve a functional purpose. For example, anger fuels us with energy and gives us confidence and strength.
When people talk about not liking emotions, it's usually the vulnerable ones they are talking about. Worthless, sad, hurt, abandoned, rejected, weak, unloved, failure, fear, inadequate, incompetent...whew!
Yeah, no one likes those ones. Why? Because they suck to feel. We will do anything to not feel them...such as yell at or pull away from the ones we love.
This is where Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) comes in. Through slowly leaning into the emotions you avoid; you will learn how to work with them to benefit your relationship rather than harm it.
Here is a rundown of how EFCT can help to get your relationship back on track:
EFCT uses attachment science
Attachment science focuses on how humans naturally relate and adapt to get their needs met beginning in infancy.
Babies are born with an instinct to read the emotional messages from their caregivers. Those messages communicate to the baby about where they fit in the world and how to survive.
Babies adapt and develop a secure, anxious, avoidant, or mixed attachment style.
When the baby grows into an adult, they can attach to their intimate partner the same way they did to their caregiver (securely, anxiously, avoidantly, or mixed).
Typically, couples show up in my office when their attachment strategies aren't serving them anymore.
Attachment styles are not fixed. They can shift from relationship to relationship. Someone who is very anxiously attached in one relationship, can feel more secure in another.
This is because when people feel safe, seen, understood, valued, and loved by their partner, they tend to relax and feel more secure with themselves and their relationship.
When two people who are securely attached, meaning they have a strong sense of confidence in their self-worth, capabilities, lovability, and overall goodness, these couples are more likely to overcome their relationship problems independently.
When a couple's protective strategies are very anxious or avoidant, they tend to get stuck. They may need outside help to navigate their relationship problems.
This is because how one partner protects themselves, activates the other partner's protective moves. Leaving them in a vicious guarded cycle that prevents vulnerable connection.
EFCT views conflict between a couple as a perpetuating cycle
For example, when partner A brings up problems, criticizes, or blames, it triggers partner B to shut down, go away, or minimize the problem. This will make partner A double down or get louder, which could make partner B completely shut down or even fight back.
This is a common cycle. In EFCT, we target the cycle as the enemy, not partner A or partner B.
This can instill tremendous hope in a couple. It also gives them a mutual goal to accomplish together; to understand the problematic cycle, interrupt it, and replace it with a connected and loving cycle.
EFCT targets the present moment to deepen the emotional experience
Couples therapy can get chaotic quickly if the therapist gets caught in the details of an argument. An EFCT therapist sees beneath the content and gets deeper to get to the emotions that fuel the cycle.
The therapist will slow down and zoom in to help each partner understand how their deep emotions influence the conflict or disconnection.
Sometimes the information that surfaces can be quite shocking for their partner, in a good way. Responses could sound like, "wow, I had no idea you felt that way." And the couple can start to feel a sense connection and understanding.
EFCT is non-pathologizing
This means that the therapist does not view the person from a diagnostic lens. They don't focus on clinical labels in the sessions.
The therapist will see the "symptoms" of a diagnosis as an adapted protective response and strive to gain an understanding of the good reasons a person has for protecting themselves in that way.
This non-pathologizing approach can foster a sense of acceptance and emotional safety in the couples therapy session. When safety is felt, vulnerable emotions are able to surface.
Those vulnerable emotions hold valuable information to get to the root of what's really going on beneath the more reactive behaviors.
What to Expect in an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Session
The first session
The first session in EFCT is to get to know the couple. Both partners are typically present for this session. Every therapist has a different style in how they work, but there are key things they may focus on.
What brought problems are you facing that brought you too seek outside help?
How long have you had these problems? (each partner may feel differently about this)
Have you experienced significant relationship injuries such as a sense of betrayal or neglect?
What does a typical argument look like from beginning to end?
What goals do you hope to achieve through therapy?
Individual Session
After the first session, the therapist may break the couple out into individual sessions to gain more of an understanding for each partner's experience and history.
These sessions typically have an "attachment lens" meaning the therapist will ask questions to develop a sense of each person's attachment orientation with context around past relationships and childhood experiences.
How do you soothe or comfort yourself when you feel stressed or worried?
How would you describe your past relationships? Notice any themes? How did they end?
What did you learn from your family about being emotional and vulnerable?
Do you remember feeling safe with someone in your family? How did you know you were safe?
Stage 1 - De-escalation
EFCT works in steps and stages to create a framework to navigate through the sessions. This is very helpful to keep things moving toward connection and security.
The first stage of EFCT is de-escalation. This does not always look a couple screaming at each other. An "escalated" couple can also look very calm and cordial.
What escalation means in the lens of couples therapy is that each partner is guarded. They each have their protective shields up and dance around each other in different ways.
Some couples can be very reactive to one another, while others are cool as cucumbers. Escalation is on a spectrum.
The common denominator is that the couple feels disconnected in some way. And they want help getting that back.
The therapist will often start with the presenting issue. What is bringing you into therapy? From there, the "cycle" will start to surface. When partner A does _____, partner B will respond (or not respond) with _______. This dance will go round and round.
The therapist's role in Stage 1 is to interrupt the cycle and point it out. This will be done through slowing down the moment, zooming in, and getting curious.
The therapist may say something like, "what just happened there. Can you help me understand? When partner A said ______, I noticed you looked away."
This slowing down and getting curious helps each partner become aware of their own behaviors and what is underneath it.
Then the therapist will help each partner share their experience by turning to their partner and saying out loud what happened for them in that moment.
This is the bread and butter of EFCT. This is what fosters the positive changes.
People often don't recognize how much is going on in their internal world in split second moments.
Learning about this and sharing it with their partner can start to repair the bond, especially as their partner starts to drop their guard and show understanding of their experience.
Stage 2 - Changing patterns of interaction
Once each partner gains an understanding of how the way they protect themselves from being hurt perpetuates the problematic cycle, they start to feel more connected and develop true hope for the relationship. They see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The therapist will start to work more individually with each partner for longer periods of time to address the deeper underlying pain beneath the cycle. This often leads back to the childhood experiences that influenced their anxious, avoidant, or mixed attachment styles.
Once each partner is able to hold an accepting and loving space, the healing begins. The roots of the old problematic cycle start to lift and the new connected cycle forms.
Because now there is context to why their partner does what they do. Assumptions get replaced with the true experiences. Their partner starts to look safe, more predictable, more stable, more trustworthy, and more lovable.
This is also the stage where relationship betrayal or abandonment can safely and effectively get addressed.
Stage 3 - Consolidation
After the couple feels bonded again, they develop a new way of communicating. This results in the couple being able to collaboratively solve their old problems.
They may have come into therapy fighting about finances, sex, parenting, work/life balance, problems with communication, or a range of other problems. With their new cycle in place, they are able to effectively resolve old issues.
Stage 3 also aims to strengthen the new way of interacting through creating a solid plan to keep the connection thriving such as date nights, mutual projects, a nightly ritual, etc.
The couple will also reflect on the progress made between their relationship and within themselves.
Conclusion
The Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy process is a journey. A journey that can transform your relationship with your partner and yourself. It takes true investment and commitment. It is not a linear journey, and will have its ups and downs, but can result in changes that withstand the test of time and hardship.
I work with active-duty military, veterans, and first responders to create this connected, loving bond. I understand the unique demands of these relationships.
I believe that couples can truly heal and have the relationship of their dreams if they want it. Reach out for a free consult if you would like to work together.
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